Worst Day Ever
by iLuvJohnny
Summary: Helena Bonham Carter is unexpectedly plunged into the world of Sweeney Todd.


"BOVINE!" Helena Bonham Carter screamed as she woke, sitting straight up in bed.

_Where am I? _she thought to herself, looking around her, taking in her surroundings. _It's almost as if I'm in Mrs. Lovett's bedroom!_

She stood up and walked to the mirror. She screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK AM I WEARING?" She was clothed in a hideous dress, and a corset, with her hair up. She started struggling with the buttons on her dress.

_What the hell is going on? _she thought to herself as she gave up trying to unbutton the dress. She stalked over to the dresser, searching for a pair of scissors. When she found none, she stormed out the door, looking for a pair. She screamed again as she walked straight into Mrs. Lovett's pie shop. Then, she figured out what was going on.

"Tim! Oh, great prank, Tim! Really funny!" she yelled as she turned in a circle, looking for her boyfriend. When he didn't show, she started to get angry. She was startled when the door opened. She spun around to see Sweeney Todd standing in the doorway. "Oh, and you've got Johnny in on it, too? Wow!"

"Hello." Sweeney said timidly.

"Oh, come on, Johnny! I know it's you! Now, where's Tim?" she yelled at him.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sweeney said, looking at her strangely.

"Ugh!" Helena groaned in frustration. "Johnny, I know-" she started, but then she got an idea. _Maybe if I play along, he'll call it off….Well, it's worth a try._

She shot Sweeney a sweet smile before beginning to sing. "Wait! Where's your rush, where's your hurry? You gave me such a fright, I thought you was a ghost! Half a minute, can't you sit? Sit you down, sit!" she sang as she pushed him into a chair. "All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks! Did you come in for a pie, sir? Do forgive me if my head's a little vague. What is that? But you'd think we had the plague! From the way that people keep avoiding! No, you don't! Heaven knows I try, sir! But there's no one comes in even to inhale! Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?" she followed the choreography perfectly, trying to pretend that she was filming again. "Mind you, I can hardly blame them! These are probably the worst pies in London! I know why nobody cares to take them! I should know! I make them! But good? NO! The worst pies in London! Even that's polite, the worst pies in London! If you dare to take a bite…is that just disgusting? You have to concede it! It's nothing but crusting, here drink this, you'll need it! The worst pies in London!

"And no wonder, with the price of meat! What it is, when you get it! Never thought I'd live to see the day! Many'd think it was a trick! Finding poor animals! What are dying in the street! Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop! Does her business, but I notice something weird! Lately all her neighbors cats have disappeared! Have to hand it to her! What, of course, enterprise. Popping pussies into pies! Wouldn't do in my shop! Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick. And I'm telling you them pussy cats is quick. No denying times is hard, sir! Even harder than the worst pies in London. Only lard and nothing more. Is that just revolting? All greasy and gritty. It looks like it's molting, and tastes like…Well, pity a woman alone. With limited wind. And the worst pies in London! Ah, sir. Times is hard. Times is hard!" she finished.

Sweeney gave her the strangest look. He opened his mouth to say something, but she interrupted him before he could, saying, "Come with me." grabbing his arm, and pulling him into the parlor. She threw him into a chair and started singing again. "There was a barber and his wife. And he was beautiful. A proper artist with a knife. But they transported him for life. And he was beautiful. Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker."

"What was his crime?" Sweeney asked.

"Foolishness." Helena responded before continuing the song. "He had this wife, you see. Pretty little thing. Silly little nit. Had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing. Poor thing. There was this judge, you see. Wanted her like mad. Every day he'd send her a flower. But did she come down from her tower? Sat up there and sobbed by the hour. Poor fool. Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing. Well, Beadle calls on her all polite. Poor thing. Poor thing. The judge, he tells her, is all contrite. He blames himself for her dreadful plight. She must come straight to his house tonight. Poor thing. Poor thing.

"Of course, when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing. They're having this ball all in masks. There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing. She wanders, tormented, and drinks, poor thing. The judge has repented, she thinks, poor thing. Oh, where is judge Turpin, she asks. He was there, alright. Only not so contrite. She wasn't no match for such craft, you see. And everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, you see, so all of them stood there and laughed, you see. Poor soul. Poor thing!"

"NOOO!" Sweeney yelled. "Would no one have mercy on her?"

"So it is you. Benjamin Barker…Well, Mr. Barker-" Helena started.

"No. Not Barker. That man is dead. It's Todd now. Sweeney Todd. And he will have his revenge."

"C'mon. I have something for you." she said, pulling him toward the door. She led him up the stairs to the barber shop and walked inside. She kneeled down by what she hoped was the board where the box was hidden, hoping it was there. She slowly pulled up the board and relaxed when she saw the familiar leather case she had filmed with so many times. She pulled them out and brought them to Sweeney, who was standing in the corner.

"Here." she said, handing him the worn box.

He opened the box and pulled out a razor. He gazed at it as he began singing, "These are my friends. See how they glisten. See this one shine. How he smiles in the light. My friend, my faithful friend. Speak to me, friend. Whisper, I'll listen. I know, I know. You've been locked out of sight all these years…like me, my friend. Well, I've come home to find you waiting. Home, and we're together. And we'll do wonders. Won't we? You there, my friend-"

"I'm your friend, too, Mr. Todd. If you only knew, Mr. Todd. Ooh, Mr. Todd. You're warm in my hand." she responded.

"My friend…"

"You've come home."

"My clever friend."

"Always had a fondness for you, I did."

"Rest now, my friend."

"Never you fear, Mr. Todd. You can move in here, Mr. Todd. Splendors you never have dreamed all your days will be yours."

"My lucky friend."

"I'm your friend. Now you're mine…Don't they shine, beautiful?"

"Was merely silver."

"Silver's good enough for me."

"Friends…"

"Mr. T."

"You shall drip rubies. You'll soon drip precious rubies." Sweeney finished. "Leave me." he said.

Helena huffed, already tired of this prank, and stomped down the stairs. She threw open the door and stalked across the shop to Mrs. Lovett's room. She went to the closet, pulled out all Mrs. Lovett's clothes, and threw them on the bed. Then, she ran out to the shop and snatched a pair of scissors. She walked back in, plopped down on the bed, and said, "Okay, Tim. You're gonna prank me? Then we're gonna do it MY way."

She giggled as she began cutting Mrs. Lovett's dresses. She cut them short, two inches below her ass. She also cut the neckline lower, and the sleeves shorter. She added a few details, and then she was finished. She quickly cut off the dress and corset she had woken up in and changed into her new dress. She admired herself in her the mirror, and noticed it was missing something. She studied herself, trying to decide what was wrong. She thought, trying to figure it out. _The dress is amazing…she has some jewelry…the hair can be down…what's missing?_ she thought to herself, evaluating her new look.

Finally, she figured it out. "Heels!" she said, smiling to herself. She immediately walked out the door, through the pie shop, and into the street. As soon as she walked out, the loud London streets turned silent. Every head turned in her direction as she strode confidently out the door. She stopped abruptly when she saw everybody staring at her. She looked around and yelled, "What the fuck is everyone staring at?"

All the people immediately turned and started walking again. Helena laughed under her breath and walked proudly down the street. She happened across a shop on the side of the street. She looked in the window and saw the cutest heels. They were black with laces, they were ankle boots, and they were CUTE! She gasped and ran into the store. She ran up to the counter and said, "Do you have those shoes-" she pointed to the shoes in the window, "in a size six?"

The man turned around and his eyes widened to the size of watermelons. She watched him stare at her and got aggravated, saying, "Take a picture! It'll last longer!"

The man quickly averted his eyes, walked to the window, and, picking up the shoes, said, "These shoes?"

Helena nodded and the man disappeared into the back. She crossed her arms and waited for the man to return. When he finally came back, he gave her the shoes and she sat down in a chair. That was when she realized that, in her haste, she had left without shoes on. She burst out laughing. The man just stared at her awkwardly as she wiped her eyes, laughing so hard she was tearing up. When she finally calmed down, she slipped the shoes on and stood up. She paraded around the small room, trying out the shoes. She squealed and said, "I'll wear these out."

The man walked behind the counter and said, "Excellent. That will be two pounds."

Helena grinned and pulled out Mrs. Lovett's coinpurse. She handed the man the money and said, "Thank you!" as she turned and skipped out of the shop. Heads turned once again as she exited the shop, but this time she just ignored it. She bounced back to the shop and entered, humming. She spun around and yelled, "See this Tim?" she gestured to her body. "You're not getting this for a LONG time!" She laughed and collapsed into one of the tables with the bottle of gin and a glass. She poured herself some and gulped it down. She jumped when she heard footsteps on the stairs outside. She got up and walked to the door. She looked out the window to see Anthony running up the stairs.

She smiled and ran out the door and up to the shop. She burst into the shop and the two men turned around. Their jaws dropped to the floor, especially Sweeney's.

"Mrs. Lovett! WHAT are you wearing?" Sweeney yelled.

Anthony just stared at her and Helena laughed and said, "Anthony seems to like it."

Anthony's eyes immediately dropped to the floor. Then, a confused look crossed his face as he said, "How do you know my name?"

"Well…that's not important!" Helena said quickly. "So…what's going on?"

"Well, as I was saying, Mr. Todd, I met a girl…kind of. I saw her in the window of Judge Turpin's house." Anthony said, turning back to Sweeney.

"Judge Turpin?" Sweeney interrupted.

"Yes! She threw me this key." he said, pulling out the key. "She needs me to rescue her!"

"That's a great idea!" Helena exclaimed. "Okay. You go think of a way to rescue her. Mr. Todd and I have some things to do." she said, pushing Anthony out the door.

"But-" Anthony began, but Helena slammed the door in his face, cutting him off.

Then Helena decided she should have some fun. She turned to Sweeney, and, in her best Mrs. Lovett voice, said, "Now, Mr. T, what do YOU think of my outfit?"

"I think you look like a common whore." Sweeney said sternly, as he walked to the vanity, picked up a razor, and started polishing it.

Helena gasped slightly at his comment and said, "Well…I'm sorry you think that. But I have to show you something." she grabbed his arm and began leading him out of the room.

He quickly wriggled out of her grasp and said, "And what might that be?"

She sighed and said, grabbing his arm again, "You'll see. Just come with me."


End file.
